Rupture and Repair: How to Get Stronger Together

If you’ve ever lifted weights, you know that the breakdown of muscular cells is an integral part of gaining strength. What follows breakdown is cellular repair - always leading to stronger muscles.

Relationships also involve break-down. Rupture happens. Repair of the relationship is like lifting heavy weight. It requires effort, can feel difficult. But the result is a stronger sense of connection and understanding between you. You had to go through rupture and repair in order to deepen the intimacy. Relationship problems, relationship issues, are part of life.

Most of us are unaware of the impact of our behavior until we enter into intimacy. We rarely get meaningful feedback from colleagues, friends or family. We hardly know ourselves. 

It is only when we truly want connection with another that we care enough to stumble through rupture to repair. We can unwittingly trigger anger and hurt in the other - even anxiety and depression- just by being ourselves - and vice versa. We had no idea. We just didn’t know - yet.

Repair requires time alone and together, to sort out what is usually a very confusing mix of reactions. Intimacy is always about getting to know self as much as other. Alone, you can sort through the various feelings, name them, associate them to statements, behavior, situation. What behavior in the other triggered my upset?

Alone, you can calm down.

Together, you can take turns sharing what happened, with more understanding, less hurt. You can begin the process of understanding differing needs. Finding a way to meet in the middle.

Don’t try to talk it out immediately. Tension is too high. Your tone, face, body will transmit too much distress for the other to hear you. Give yourself time to cool your jets. Then ask the other to listen without interruption for a few minutes. Switch places. Now you listen without interruption.

Getting stronger together is about both of you listening, both of you having and sharing your individual feelings. There’s the challenge. You’re not at all the same. Relationship problems, relationship issues stem from thinking the other should feel and want the same.

Name, accept, enjoy and work with the differences. Never hide or avoid them: that road leads to anxiety, depression and break-up.