Stop Shoulding On Yourself

If you feel bad about feeling bad, you have a lot of company.  Most people are ashamed of the way they feel much of the time.  You would rather not be unhappy in a culture that pushes happy.  You would rather never have to feel lonely, angry, jealous, disappointed, dejected, doubtful, sad.

Yet “I shouldn’t be feeling this,” is actually the surest route to ongoing unhappiness.  You are blaming yourself for something truthful that needs to be addressed.  Negative feelings are inevitable and useful – if you allow and explore them.

Suppose you’ve just been hired.  You want to be only happy and hopeful, but the behavior of your new boss is surprising, unsettling.  If you accept and explore your negative reaction you may discover early red flags that can guide you.

If, instead, you think: “What’s wrong with me? I should only be feeling good about finally landing this job” - you are not only denying important information; you are making yourself wrong in the process.  And that is at the root of all unhappiness.

To ignore or distrust your feelings is to distrust your very self.  Your feelings come out of you and who you actually are.  Not who you want to be; not who you think you should be.  But who you are.  They can help you in the here and now, so that you can deal with the mix between who you are and the kind of situation you’re in.

Feelings are often inconvenient as well as distasteful.  We would rather not have them. Did you really want to notice that your new boss is a bit weird on day two?  But we are meant to take action, and it is our feelings that prompt the most relevant actions.

Once we have calmly explored them, feelings can tell us what to do. Acting immediately on anger or upset gets us nowhere.  But recognizing and exploring the meaning of anger or upset always helps us.

Your feelings belong to you and are unique to you.  They are intended to guide you regardless of how ugly or inconvenient they might seem at first.  Name them; believe them; slow down enough to understand them. Then trust what they might be telling you.

Shoulding on yourself, shoulding on your feelings, is the surest road to an unhappy life.